You're completely useless in the revolution.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
