I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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