he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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