So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
