Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
