how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
