90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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