Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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