Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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