walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
