I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
we're making bets on your personal life
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
