Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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