I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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