I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
