You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
