Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
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