I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
