I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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