he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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