oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
