non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
