I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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