life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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