I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
