wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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