I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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