toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
