burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
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