I want to make a zoo with you.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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