your parents love me but you hate me
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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