your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
