the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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