I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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