every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I want to be your penis for a week.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
