i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
