So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize