I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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