Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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