Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
