doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I'm having to shit out rocks
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
