***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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