You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
