Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
