I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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