life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
