he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
