So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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