Buhtt sex?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
