I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
the liver wants what the liver wants
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
