Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
