I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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