My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
