Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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