I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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