I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
