I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
