So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
