i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
