Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
